I about couldn't accept it if I heard that JP Morgan Chase was traveling to do a reside Twitter Q&A with the accessible – you know, all those humans about the apple they've been angle over and annexation for, oh, the endure decade or so. On the best account of accessible relations screw-ups, it's harder to say area this accommodation by America's a lot of hated bartering coffer (with affliction to Coffer of America, which apparently finishes a 49ers-like actual abutting additional this year) to appoint the affronted accessible on Twitter ranks. For sure, anyway, it's appropriate up there with Abercrombie and Fitch's rollout of thong underwear for 10 year-olds and the $440,000 afterparty AIG admiral threw for themselves at the St. Regis Resort in Monarch Beach, California afterwards accepting a federal bailout.
Chase advisers apparently anticipation they were traveling to be inundated with questions, like, "What accomplish can I yield to try to become as absolutely alarming as all of you?" This one can infer from the complacent accent of their announcement Tweet, which read:
What career admonition would you ask a arch exec at a all-around firm? Tweet a Q application #AskJPM. On 11/14 a $JPM baton takes over @JPMorgan
Only on Wall Street would a coffer that's about to pay out the better adjustment in the history of settlements unironically appoint the public, assured accustomed humans to aboveboard ask one of their top-decision makers for career advice. The angle that this was their abstraction of extensive out to the accessible in a moment of accessible relations crisis – we'll yield questions now on how you can become just as acknowledged as us! – was bedevilled to be hilarious, and it angry out to be that and more.
Chase trotted out Vice Chairman Jimmy Lee to be pushed into the amusing media buzz-saw. Lee was an accomplished best for this role. As one of the world's arch Leveraged Buyout (LBO) pioneers, Lee is a animal arch symbolically abutting two altered and appropriately abhorrent eras in Wall Street abomination – the Gordon Gekko/LBO Eighties and Nineties, and the price-rigging, bubble-making, steal-everything-not-nailed-down era accoutrement the Wall Street of today. From the public's perspective, Lee basically represents the broker who bankrupt on your abode and the guy who asleep your branch in a accord financed by clutter bonds, all in one.
Unsurprisingly, the accessible barraged him with calumniating Tweets, and the coffer ultimately had to abolish the Q&A.
What's so amusing about some of the anger-Tweets Chase accustomed is that the authors didn't even accept to be gratuitous, or amplitude the truth, in adjustment to acquisition a abscessed spot. I like this one by "Downtown Josh Brown" at @ReformedBroker:
I accept Mortgage Fraud, Market Manipulation, Credit Card Abuse, Libor Rigging and Predatory Lending AM I DIVERSIFIED? #AskJPM
Adam Coleman @AdamColeman had a added edgeless question:
Can I accept my abode back?
But my admired of all came from Kevin Roose @kevinroose:
Would you rather accommodate with 1 horse-sized Eric Holder, or 100 duck-sized Eric Holders? #AskJPM
(Incidentally, I'd go with 1 horse-sized Eric Holder – even in horse size, he'd go down like that adolescent Alex Karras's Mongo punched out in Blazing Saddles.)
Anyway, this accomplished affair spun so absolutely out of ascendancy that there's already a YouTube awareness video of Stacey Keach account the tweets with absolute Inside the Actors' Studio gravitas. And it's much, abundant funnier than it would accept been even if William Shatner had done it. Analysis it out:
They pulled this adverse achievement at a aberrant time. Chase is now adverse austere troubles even afar from the upcoming, yet-to-be-concluded $13-billion settlement. The coffer not continued ago arise that it was beneath investigation in the ballooning delving into abetment in the Foreign Exchange markets, a delving that will about absolutely absorb up abounding of the world's better banks afore it's done.
The Forex blend is on par with the Libor disaster, and just like the Libor case, we will eventually be advised to a arresting apprenticeship into absolutely how brittle the price-setting action for just about aggregate in the apple is.
In Libor, we abstruse that some of the world's better banks had been serially monkeying with apple absorption ante for years, dating aback conceivably as far as 1991. In this case, the allegations are a bit added complicated, but centermost about a agnate abnormality – criterion ante that are set based aloft admonition calmly manipulated by the actual companies that angle to account a lot of from it. In this case, there are 5 banks that collectively accomplish up about 47 percent of the trading in the $5 trillion-a-day Forex market, and admiral from those 5 banks were impaired abundant to leave accounting annal of what arise to be attempts to dispense criterion ante in an Instant Message accumulation these idiots in fact nicknamed "The Cartel."
Chase's arch banker in London, Richard Usher, went on leave a few weeks ago, reportedly in affiliation with this mess. Expect the coffer to end up bistro yet addition a massive bowl of media delicacy already all of this Forex being comes out – and remember, this would be on top of that $13 billion adjustment Chase reportedly is negotiating to awning a alternation of misdeeds from the 2000s.
The awe-inspiring PR artifice mirrors the even weirder tone-deafness that may be holding up the adjustment deal. The bank's acutely crazy affirmation aloft aggravating to get the FDIC to pay for the abeyant accountability of its acquistion, Washington Mutual, is one of those things that cipher who in fact anticipation about how the accessible ability acknowledge to such a move would anytime anticipate to do. Chase has an befalling to clamber out from beneath a behemothic accumulation of liabilities just by autograph a check, and instead they're haggling, aggravating to get the accessible to aces up a big allotment of the bill. It's nuts, just like handing out career admonition on Twitter in the average of a Union-Carbide-scale PR adversity is nuts.
P.S. As acclaimed on Twitter, I'm alms a Jamie Dimon t-shirt to the columnist of the best "J.P. Morgan Chase Q&A Fiasco" haiku. I'll advertise the champ Monday, and please, if you win, don't overlook to forward me a commitment address. It took weeks to forward out my Tom Friedman duke grenades endure time.
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